Finally… it’s quiet.
Like actually quiet. The quiet where I can hear the crickets outside, the clocks ticking, and the cars on the highway just a few miles away kind of quiet.
It’s 10pm and the two things I love the most in this world are finally asleep. There’s dirty dishes in the sink that need to be washed, I could definitely use a shower, I sigh in defeat when I remember that I still need to make my meal plan and grocery list to pick up tomorrow – What did I do again today that kept me from being productive?
My beautiful 2 year old boy is teething, getting his second molars – and by George this boy is the slowest, worst teether on the planet. He’s been waking up and immediately whining “honey, what’s the matter?” Like a broken record player he repeats that phrase over and over again. I answer him, I repeat it back to him, I hug and cuddle him, but he never stops. The only thing that relieves his pain and allows him to function and eat is Motrin, BUT OF COURSE that miracle medicine just has to burn going down and he hates taking it.
My chubby, smiling 6 month old is yes you guessed it, teething as well. Thankfully she isn’t as bad as her big brother but that heavy chunk of joy doesn’t want to be put down for more than 20 minutes…did I mention that she is heavy?
I find that my days have been filled with me bouncing back and forth between two fussy babies that need their mommy’s love and attention. AND THAT’S OKAY. That’s why I’m here…right? To pour everything I have into these two children so that they can change the world….right?
But if I’m pouring every ounce of who I am into these children – who is pouring into me? Who is going to pump up this deflated tire of a Mom and help me get up and do it again the next day?
No, no, don’t think like that Sarah, you can’t put that pressure on your husband, friends or family. Your friends and family have their own burdens and stressful circumstances to attend to. Lucas is under a lot of pressure and stress at work – don’t make him regret coming home to you and not going out or to the gym instead. I just need to wake up earlier, get a jump start on the day and brace myself for the crazy that will come.
But why when it’s quiet am I thinking of them? My two cranky minions who enjoy yanking on and chewing my hair, using me like a jungle gym, try to help me wipe during my bathroom breaks, don’t let me sit down and eat without screaming or trying to eat my food, beg for the last sips of my morning coffee, minions. Why are their cute smiling faces on my mind – didn’t I get enough of them today?
Focus Sarah! You have dishes to do, meals to plan, books to read, news to catch up on, podcasts to listen to, friends to text back, stocks to maintain, a workout that needs to be completed, don’t let the minions steal your free time.
This morning I made a huge list of everything that needed to be done. Like, needed to be done, not just stuff I wanted to do. Of course, I only checked off maybe 2 things? Instead, I called the insurance to follow up on our vehicle claim, our car had been in the shop for an unexpected radiator replacement, I was trying to get ahold of my dermatologist but finally gave up and just left a message. I worked on our family budget, balanced the checkbook, made breakfast and lunch for the kids, talked to my sister, played trains, picked up trains, and changed a million diapers. And yet, I still feel like I didn’t accomplish anything – another waste of a day.
But here I am left thinking of my babies. I would give anything to make the pain of teething go away, to let them be their happy cheerful selves once again. I know – I know this pain is only temporary and not scaring them for life, but still, my heart aches knowing my children are in pain.
I guess lately I’ve just felt too tired and inadequate to write on my blog. It used to be such a source of joy and creativity for me but now my brain is just too empty to think of something to write. What would I write about anyways? My experience as an exhausted mom of 2. How to cry in the shower more effectively without letting my children or husband hear me. Five alternative words to use instead of dropping the F bomb in front of your toddler.
Whenever I talk to someone about my feelings I feel the need to chant, “I love my children, I love my husband, I love my life” as if I need to assure them of that. That me feeling down, discouraged, defeated, deflated is not because I am blind to all of the blessings that I have. Trust me, I know I am blessed but I am also allowed to be tired, I am also allowed to be rundown and sometimes defeated or discouraged – THAT’S LIFE.
When people point out to me the blessings of my children and husband it’s like a slap in the face. Like I’m being selfish for not noticing the things I take care of all day, that I am the problem and they would all be better off without me – I am the one blessed to have them. Why doesn’t anyone ever say they are blessed to have me?
I’m tired. I’m always tired these days. I know it will pass and one day I will miss these days of toddlers, diapers, and chunky babies who want and need their momma. When those days come I will fondly look back on those memories but for now, I need to figure out how to give myself grace, love, and more than just one shower a week.